JumpSnap….seriously?

Today we bring you a SPECIAL EDITION of the Daily Sizzle, or not-so-daily feature where we tear things apart. In today’s special edition, RP and I (MtK) will be having a discussion about the JumpSnap. If you aren’t already familiar with this product, please stop reading here and go to the site. Seriously.

MtK: My morning started with RP asking me if I had seen the JumpSnap, which he had described as the dumbest thing of 2009. I responded that there was still plenty of 2009 left, but after seeing what the JumpSnap was, I’m pretty convinced. This could even rival 2005’s Treadmill Bike for stupid thing of the decade. RP, just what makes the JumpSnap so awful?

RP: The biggest problem I have when trying to begin my critical anylsis of the JumpSnap is calming down my rage enough to organize my thoughts into something coherent.  I think that the JumpSnap is one of a few new inventions that are part of A leisure exercise phenomenon.  When it comes down to it, it’s a jump rope for people too fat and overweight to jump rope.  Another item in this category that I saw on tv this weekend was a chair for doing crunches in that also gives you a back masssage at the same time.  I understand that for some people, using conventional methods of exercise isan’t possible but showing these commercials with clearly physically fit people using these leisurecise devices is just misleading.  not to mention that The JumpSnap is a jumprope…without a rope.  This cannot be stressed enough.  MtK, did you watch the video? Your Thoughts?

MtK: I did watch the video, and I feel for you “where does my rage end and my ranting begin?” You’re spot on. IT’S A JUMP ROPE WITHOUT A ROPE. How many lazy people are going to sit on their couch, twirling it in one hand, beer in the other, while it makes the wooshing noise, thinking they’re accomplishing the same as jumping rope. Furthermore: the JumpSnap costs 49.99 for the starter kit. For that much, you could buy 50 jump ropes at the dollar store. You could even cut the rope and just use the handles. OR, you could buy 1 jump rope, and then pay some neighborhood kid $49 to do the jumping for you.

by mashthekeys
3 years ago

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies

What I do want to point out, however, is the availability of the new book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Yes!

I’ll let ThinkGeek’s description do the talking:
The classic regency romance - now with ultra-violent zombie mayhem!

As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton - and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she’s soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers - and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Because this isn’t your English Teacher’s copy of Pride and Prejudice. This is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen’s beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action. That’s right, zombie scenes have been inserted into the classic text to turn this novel into a roaring, updated, blood-fest! Complete with 20 illustrations in the style of C. E. Brock (the original illustrator of Pride and Prejudice), this insanely funny expanded edition will introduce Jane Austen’s classic novel to new legions of fans. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - Jane would be proud.

by mashthekeys
3 years ago

Media Worth Mentioning VIII

Every week, the incredibly busy staff here at Fajitamonday will bring you the important [read: important to us] releases in movies, dvds, music, and video games as we see fit. This is where the complete bias of our writers shines through. Please note that all the distributors lost our address and we have no advance copies of anything. We are also poor.

Video Games

Nintendo Dsi Lite:
RP: Nintendo released its 34930488 iteration of the Game Boy with the Dsi Lite. Expanding upon the “grandmothers should play videogames too” concept, they added two motion and image cameras to the unit plus making some almost unnoticable changes to the size of the unit. It’s received universally strong reviews but I have one major issue with it. They removed the backwards compatibility with Gameboy Advance cartridges, thus also with standard Gameboy and Gameboy Color games. Maybe for gamers that came in the generation after me this isn’t a big deal, but I find this to be a huge step backwards. One of the reasons the Gameboy was so popular was that there were just so many games available for it from all the different versions. I think Nintendo has really taken steps to ignore its hardcore gamer market.
MtK:Actually, you are wrong about one thing here…the original DS was backwards compatible with GBA, but not with original GameBoy and GameBoy color—I guess there were some limitations on the voltage and form factors. That said, I have to wonder how much longer portable gaming systems have. For all intents and purposes, despite it’s graphics and screen, the PSP has been a huge flop. Phones are becoming more capable as gaming machines and packing more power—unless Nintendo is about to jump into the phone market (which isn’t unlikely) the DS series could be the last portable gamer from them.

Movies

Crank: High Voltage

RP: The most important thing you need to know about this movie: He has a plastic heart that needs to be constantly recharged using strong electrical current. He is also really pissed off. Please see my special article on this movie for more information on just how fucking stoked I am to see this.
MtK: I guess all I can say is that I’m glad I wasn’t able to go.

17 Again

RP: Whats funny is that this will be the most relevent Matthew Perry has been in at least 5 years and the most he will be for probably the rest of his life. I wonder how much coke Zac Efron does on a daily basis. Can’t you see him waking up in his Disney funded bedroom with that chick that he’s apparently dating from the movie? He does a morning line as she tries to pretend she is still asleep while trying to figure out how to get out of the nightmare that her life has become.
MtK: All I can say here is that Melora Hardin, who is in this film and is perhaps better known as the Office’s “Jan,” is hot. Also, I don’t think I’ll ever see anything of this teen comedy genre. Ever.

DVD

Pride and Prejudice [Blu-Ray]

RP: Who was asking for this? That’s all I want to know. I’m not angry, I just want answers.
MtK: Actually, it was me. I cannot enjoy the 1800’s unless they are in the highest of resolutions.

Compact discs/Cassettes

Radiohead: Pablo Honey / The Bends / OK Computer [Reissue]

RP:Firstly, Ok Computer is easily one of the greatest albums of the 1990s. Now that I have that out of the way. These reissues were released without the blessing of the band by their former label. The label tried a similar trick last year when they released a best of collection around the same time that Radiohead self released their stellar In Rainbows album. All these albums are bundled with b-sides and videos that any longtime Radiohead fan would have already downloaded off of some Torrent site in 2002 when no one could get caught for doing anything on the internet. I’d know, I killed a man on the internet on 2002 and I’m still here. MtK: Unfortunately, record label contracts can be a bitch. That’s why there have been so many Rush compilations released and re-released. The band wants nothing to do with it, but they also have no say over it. That said, it makes me feel old that Radiohead is having compilations and boxed sets.

by roninpowride
3 years ago

Movie Review: Crank High Voltage aka A Huge Mistake

Everyone has that list of movies that they will always say;  “well that movie is just so bad that it’s funny.”  Hard Target, Over the Top, and Bloodsport are just a few of my favorite action flicks under that category.  There is a certain combination of events; a shitty day at work, girlfriend getting into petty arguements, speeding tickets, global warming, that just puts you in the mood for a SBIF.  In reality, I find the SBIF to be more of an excuse than anything.  I think you have to genuinly like one part about the movie.  Be it the action sequence, the mullets, the man drinking motor oil, etc.  Then the rest of the movie you just poke fun at it being outdated or stupid to get you through to your favorite parts.  A good SBIF is very much life a fine cheese or wine.  You have to let it age before it can really be appreciated.  SBIF’s that are in anyway still culturally relevent and doomed to fail…for now.  One should never forget that it is a fine fine line between SBIF (So Bad its Funny) and So Bad I Want To Blow My Fucking Skull Off And Roll Into a Ditch On The Highway. SBIWTBMFSOARIADOTH.

When I first discussed seeing the trailer for Crank High Voltage, I had a said I had a transcript of how that movie must have been thought up.  I was completely wrong.  Here is what is happening all around America after the 15 kids who saw this movie try and convince their friends to go see it too.

“Hey dude! Wanna go see a movie with tons of titties and lots of explosions and guns and shit?!”

-yeah sure, that sounds really sweet

“Yeah! And it has a a dude who electricutes his nipples like 20 times during the movie!”

-ok…that’s a bit strange but I’ll still check it out.

“Oh man, and there’s this asian prostitude who says the c word like 15 times in broken english!

-That just sounds incredibly annoying

“And you can’t forget the part when they have a gunfight in a strip club and a girl gets shot and her implants leak out! And they show it for a solid 15 seconds!”

-never talk to me again.

“so pick me up at 7?”

After seeing the movie, it was clearly written and created by a mixture of babies on cocaine, 12 year old boys who have never seen a pair of breasts, and the entire writing staff of Mad TV but to give it its due I will openly discuss it for one paragraph.

Crank High Voltage is probably the worst movie to come out this year.  Not only is it blantantly and absurdly offensive but the plot is anorexia thin.  The action sequences which should redeem the movie are awfully designed set pieces that are mixed with cocaine riddled dialogue lines that are the movie eqiuvelent of spewing garbage into a babies mouth.  I couldn’t have made a worse decision than going to that movie last night.  The closing image of the movie is Jason Statham on fire giving the audience the middle finger.  This is fitting because he did screw the entire audience how of their ticket price, and he has completely burned his career to the ground with this series of movies.

[Editorial:  Sorry for not including any of the basic information about the movie, if you need it, go to imdb…  It’s not worth including here.]

by roninpowride
3 years ago

Fast & Furious: An ode to a great quadrilogy

We all remember back in 2001, when Brian O’Conner first (Paul) Walk[er]ed into our lives.  He was young, he was daring, he had a poor understanding of street-race shifting, he was just an undercover cop with a job to do… and a love for rice rockets.  Who knew when the franchise first began that it would blossom into such a furious flower?

In the previous installment of The Fast and the Furious series, we followed the brass military son, Sean Boswell.  Director Justin Lin shifted the race thirsty audience into the gears of the drifting world.  We were taken to Toyko. Where there was drifting, where no girl wore a skirt that went below the middle of their thighs. It was a racing world spun upside down.  It wasn’t about just having the fastest car anymore.  It was about have the grace and the technical ability to master the drift.  At the end of the movie, we saw the triumphant return to the screen of Dom.  As my the lights went up my friend excitedly turned to me and said;  “THAT BRINGS IT FULL CIRCLE!”

He was right.  Bringing Dom back after his absence from the successful sequel 2 Fast 2 Furious was a great move by the writers of this epic quadrilogy.  At that point, the world had filed The Fast and the Furious Triology away as the most successful trilogy in the history of trilogies.  We anxiously awaited the box-set complete with carbon fiber DVDs and Free 2 oz NOS bottles.  But then something that no one expected happened…

Fast and Furious was born.

I had been anxiously awaiting the release of the final piece to this beautiful tale.  The movie opens with our consummate antihero Dominic Torreto and his beautiful anti-heroine in tow, Mia.  They’re in South America and they’re stealing gasoline from truckers on deserted roads to sell to underground racing leagues.  It would seem to be quite a niche market but apparently is very fruitful as shown by the stacks of foreign currency that Dom throws at his cohorts after a successful heist.  It becomes apparent that the heat is on Dom when Dom tells Mia that the heat is on and he has to leave. He leaves her 2 large stacks of non-descript foreign cash and leaves.  Then we cut to our confused bad boy/good boy Brian O’Conner.  He’s working for the FBI! Taking down Mexicans!  But can he really put the racing life behind him?

Important plot note:  One of the characters that is helping with the heist is a familiar face from Tokyo Drift, Han. When Han finds out from Dom that the heat is on, he says he’s going to check out the scene in Tokyo! THE DRIFT RACING SCENE THAT IS! Han was the one who helps Sean get his start!  This is crucial to fully understanding this movies chronological place in the full scope of the series!  Fast & Furious runs concurrently with Tokyo Drift! Its like Quentin Tarantino took Pulp Fiction and made it into four movies and showed them in a different order!  GENIUS!  Even better, is the fact that they don’t tell people it’s a prequel. It’s a bold movie to let this movie stand on its own legs.

But enough back-story, lets get down to my thoughts on the film.  I’m glad that no one working on this movie tried to make it something that it wasn’t. These films have always had awful acting, an awful concept for this “counter culture” that they’ve developed of underground racing, and a handful of moments that are just basically not possible in the none furious world.  I understand that these films get a bad rap for all these reasons, but if you can suspend all your beliefs and just watch, they can be quite enjoyable.  Who can watch one of those movies and not see how ridiculous they are.  Does anyone else realize how serious Vin Diesel must take himself?  Example: the reason he didn’t do 2 Fast 2 Furious was because he thought that the XXX series was going to be a better series to be a part of.  I bet he put a lot of deep thought into this decision. God help me if I ever have to make a decision like that in my life.  It’s like picking between my children! (I would pick whichever child had the best chance of being a professional athlete and allowing me to retire)

In closing, I would like to recommend this movie to people.  Unless you live in a part of the United States where you pay 10 to 15 dollars for movie tickets, which is fucking absurd.  I’ll save that one sided argument for another day.

by roninpowride
3 years ago

Media Worth Mentioning VII

Every week, the incredibly busy staff here at Fajitamonday will bring you the important [read: important to us] releases in movies, dvds, music, and video games as we see fit. This is where the complete biast of our writers shines through. Please note that all the distributors lost our address and we have no advance copies of anything. We are also poor.

Video Games

Riddick: Dark Athena
RP: Todays video game section looks has a double feature of movie based video games. A classically awful genre of console gaming that is as consistently awful as Madden games are consistently including football. The first game in our review is Riddick: Dark Athena which was originally based on the turn of the century not so thriller Pitch Black where Vin Diesel plays a dude with glow in the dark eyes… or something like that. They somehow managed to make people believe years later that it was all an elaborate prequel to The Chronic(what)cles of Riddick and they made some other movie and a bunch of other games. So just for reference, this game is a remake of a game based on a series based on a movie. Graphics look solid, didnt look far enough to see anything about gameplay.
MtK: It makes me wonder how much people care about these games. I feel like if I worked in a game studio and got assigned to a project that is sure to be $15 bin bound, I don’t know how I’d feel about that. Maybe I’ll stick to 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand.

Godfather II

RP: In our second movie-turned-game we look at the classic Godfather series. When you look at the crime game genre as it stands now, Grand Theft Auto probably owns 85% of the market share and rightfully so. It’s original content that is inspired from gamet of crime cinematography. The Godfather II speaks to the major problem I have with movie based games. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what is going to happen, you know how it ends, unless the gameplay is superb, what is the point? When there are original stories out there that have better gameplay and still speak to the same gang violence/vigilante/law fighting ideals.
MtK: I agree with you on this one. Games that are loosely based on a movie are one thing—sometimes they take place right before or after the movie, in between sequels, etc…but when it exactly follows the plot, where’s the point? Also, the second Godfather doesn’t hold a candle to the first.

Movies

Observe and Report

RP: The first time I saw the previews for this movie I thought, oh its Paul Blart: Mall Cop only 2 months late. I know MtK had quite negative feelings about this movie as well. But I must admit, I am somewhat intreguid to see it. After seeing the preview over and over again on tv, its starting to grow on me a little bit. It seems less like “look at the fat mall cop” and more like “stoner film starring a mall cop” less mike myers and more well… Seth Rogan. I don’t know why I didnt trust him before. He’s never done the schticky comedy before, why would he start now?
MtK: I’ll admit that I’m slightly interested in seeing this one too, however, I worry that this genre…which I’d specify as the “Seth Rogen and Superbad” genre is becoming quite crowded real quickly. I almost tend to think of Will Ferrel movies where they’re all pretty funny, but, when you have to think about what movie a quote is from because it fits any of them at first glance—it gets worn out.

Hannah Montana: The Movie

RP: How long before she’s dead of a coke overdose on the floor of a mid manhatten apartment with her skirt over her head? I’m probably going to jail just for saying that…
MtK: Yea…or…all the creepy photos with her dad. Don’t tell his achey breaky heart.

DVD

Yes Man

RP: NO NO NO NO NO NONONONO. I refuse to see this movie. You know why? Because I’ve seen it before, We’ve ALL seen it before. It was called Liar Liar, except instead of not being allowed to lie, he can’t say no to anything. DOES ANYONE ELSE NOT SEE THIS!?
MtK: I made this exact point from day 1. I don’t understand it. As you often like to postulate, I can’t even imagine the board room conversation prior to this.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

RP: two reasons this is on the list this week. Apparently the dvd comes with downloadable versions of the film for Ipods and computers and shit. Interesting concept. I dont know how well thats going to work, and no one else probably will either because I heard this movie sucked. Secondly, this will be the second consectutive week with a release featuring Keanu Reeves.
MtK: They’ve been trending towards the digital copies for a while—though they’re still pretty locked down. My copy of Blue Harvest (aka Family Guy Star Wars) came with a second disc with those features.

Compact discs/Cassettes

The Hold Steady: Positive Rage (CD/DVD)

RP:Amazing live band. That is all.

by roninpowride
3 years ago

Daily Sizzle: Best Buy and Money

So, today I was checking the Best Buy website to see how much they would be selling the new Tragically Hip album, We Are the Same for and confirming that it’s US release date is the same as it’s Canadian (Apr. 7).

All the usual information for a CD was there—SKU, Price, Release Date, reviews, etc etc. Then, down below that, i noticed this tidbit:
Financing: - Great Financing Offer

FOLKS! THIS IS WHY AMERICA IS WHERE IT IS! I cannot think of what circumstance I would NEED to finance a $15 CD. Simple rule: if you can’t afford it, don’t buy it!

Anyway, lets look at the details. 18 months interest free. Okay, lets plan on paying off our CD over 18 months. Minimum payment = 1% of balance (in this case, 15 cents to start) + finance charges. Which are a minimum of $2.

So…if I financed this CD—which Best Buy thinks is a good plan—the math would break down like this:
14.99 + 7% local sales tax = $16.04. $16.04/18 months = $0.89 per month. + $2 finance charges and x18 months = $52.04

Wow.

by mashthekeys
3 years ago

Media Worth Mentioning VI

Every week, the incredibly busy staff here at Fajitamonday will bring you the important [read: important to us] releases in movies, dvds, music, and video games as we see fit. This is where the complete biast of our writers shines through. Please note that all the distributors lost our address and we have no advance copies of anything. We are also poor.

Video Games

Guitar Hero: Metallica

RP: I’ve never been a huge Metallica fan… in fact I’ve never been a Metallica fan at all but I am interested to give this game a shot. Not only does it include many a’ metal rockin songs that are probably pretty fun to play. It includes a song by Mastodon…who are fucking awesome because they release concept metal albums based on moby dick. So in closing… listen to Mastodon.
MtK: Is the only difference in GH:M the inclusion of a second bass pedal? What I do legitimately wonder if is in later releases on harder difficulties you’ll be able to use that second pedal as a hi-hat control. Also, I really don’t like Metallica, but do look forward to playing “Enter Sandman”

Movies

Fast and Furious

RP: FUCKING FINALLY. To quote a friend of mine after the third movie where Vin Diesel shows up at the end “This brings it full circle!” Well apparently that circle was not full enough. MtK and I will most likely be seeing this opening night tomorrow in all of its ricing magnificense. I have loved the entire series, from the first Race where whats his face fucks up his car because he’s an idiot to when that other dude goes to japan and learns how easterners drive. The cultural significance of this movie being released cannot be undervalued.
MtK: I think you’ve confused me with our colleague TH (TrainHumper), as I will NOT be attending the opening of this film. I never got into the F&tF (god I love acronyming things) series…not even ironically. I may be interested to give this one a watch, but I always hate the rash of morons with plastic parts taped onto their cars that this will generate.

DVD

Slumdog Millionaire

RP: I havent seen this movie. I know that it won a bunch of oscars. AND Fox released this movie in a “rental version” that didn’t have all of the extra features and shit but then the discs got confused and now everyone is pissed. AWESOME.
MtK: I haven’t seen this one either, but I feel like I probably should.

The Matrix: 10th Anniversary Edition [Blu-Ray]

RP: I’m not gonna lie… I thought it had been more than 10 years since this movie first came out. None the less, its one of my top 10 movies ever made and to see it on Blu-Ray is going [would] to be incredible. This movie had so many graphical and special effect achievements that its hard to count. Its the last great sci-fi action movie I’ve seen.

MtK: It took me a minute to think that it’s really been a decade since the Matrix first came out. It truly was an awesome, awesome film, HOWEVER, the sequels were just so awful that that has tarnished the original for me as well.

Compact discs/Cassettes

Mastodon: Crack the Skye

RP: RAAAAAAAWWWWWKKKKKK AND ROOLLLLLLL BBLLALAAAAAARRRRRGGGGG PAAAIAAAIIINNN DEAATTTTHH FLLAMMEESSS SBLLLLARRRRRRGGGHGHHHHH MUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGGGGEERRRRRRRRRR

MtK: What’s murger? Either that’s a typo of “merger” or “murder.” Probably the former, because nothing spells bloodbath like a corporate merger.

Bonnie “Prince” Billy: Beware

RP: I heard one of the songs on my local college radio station and I thought it was quite nice. It does seem like a full blow aids country album. I don’t know if I’d pay for it…but it seems to be worth a listen.

MtK: So, speaking of college radio, it annoys me that the nearby college radio station is ALWAYS audible over my crappy speakers in my office. I mean, maybe it’s my fault for buying crappy speakers, but maybe they could turn down the juice, too.

by roninpowride
3 years ago

Daily Sizzle: Sham-Whacked a Hooker.

The Daily Sizzle is where us here at FM, rant, rave, hate, and date pretty much anything we want.

“Soak’s up 50 times its weight in hooker blood”
-Courtesy of MtK Courtesy of The Smoking Gun

Hey everyone! How was your weekend? Good? How good? See a Movie?  Go on a Date? Did you beat up a 1000 dollar hooker who wouldnt stop biting your tongue in your 750 dollar a night hotel room? Oh… you didn’t… well you’re weekend wasn’t as good as Vince Schlomi aka the ShamWow guy.  There are a couple things that suprised me when I read this, the LEAST of which are that this guy pays money for “straight sex.”

• The 750 dollar a night hotel room thing:  How is this man making that kind of money… unless he’s just binging everything he made of the ShamWow and Slap/Chop all at once in a huge cocaine/hooker type orgy.
• The 1000 dollar hooker thing: Is there a price point at which hooker’s stop having STD’s?  I mean, if you go for the $500+ women of the night do they only have the herp?  How does that work?  What are you expecting from a 1000 dollar hooker that you would never imagine a 500 dollar one could provide.  Especially considering he claimed all he wanted was; “straight sex”
• The ShamWow guy is 44 thing:  Ok so I think that actually clears up both of the issues I discussed above…

I would like to close with a theory:  The ShamWow guy takes the elevator down from his 750 dollar hotel room, ready to meet some babes and get laid.  As I see it, this woman wasn’t a hooker at all.  ShamWow man comes down to the hotel bar, kinda just starts hanging out.  He probably pulls out a shamWow and a slap chop and starts playing around, waiting to get noticed by someone under 350 pounds and/or under the age of 40.  Our so called hooker is at the end of the bar, and mistakenly makes eye contact.  ShamWow guy jumps on the opportunity because thats how he’s made the large amount of money he apparently has. She agrees to let him buy a couple rounds and they both get a little drunk.  Then he says;  “why don’t we go up to my room and have some fun.”  She drunkinly states;  Yeah, ok, 1000 dollars shamamamaawowwman.  Then he pulls out 1000 dollars and says, “DEAL!”

Full Disclosure: I DO NOT OWN A SHAMWOW

by roninpowride
3 years ago

A Quick Weekend Update (No SNL Cast Members)

Firstly,  

Everyone should go watch the most hyped children’s movie trailer hyped by adults ever released;  Where The Wild Things Are I can’t speak for MtK, nor can I ask him because its very early in the morning but I think this is going to be an excellent film. 

Secondly,

Sorry for the lack of MWM this week.  It’ll be up Monday morning, promise.  Why wouldn’t you believe me after all I’ve done for you?!

by roninpowride
3 years ago