August 27, 2009

Daily Sizzle: Hi, I’m an ugly fucking car.

The Daily Sizzle is where us here at FM, rant, rave, hate, and date pretty much anything we want.

http://www.wired.com/autopia/2009/08/mini-anniversary/

http://jalopnik.com/5345852/mini-coupe-concept-back-to-basics/gallery/?skyline=true&s=x

RP: Americans know ugly cars.  We have the PT Cruiser, the FJ Cruiser (which is only available from Toyota IN AMERICA), Pontiac Aztek… the list goes on.  What makes the Mini Coupe different is that it combines an ugly car with my absolute hatred for Mini Cooper culture…. People who drive Mini Coopers also love vanity plates… vanity plates that tell people they are driving a Mini Cooper.  There are so many things wrong with that statement that the letters on my keyboard would wear if I attempted to explain them.

I by no means claim to be a car expert.  I drive a ‘94 accord. It’s blue, it has a sunroof, I can get laid in the backseat.  That’s about as much as I can tell you about it.  I changed my own oil for the first time… a month ago. That was a BIG deal.  You can look to Mtk for a much more technical and therefore reasonable explanation as to why this abomination should have been apart of the governments “Peace of Mind for Clunkers” campaign (little known).

The first thing I say when I look at this car is; “What the fuck?”  I picture a Mini engineer sitting at a desk staring frantically at a clock.  He’s got 5 minutes to come up with a design before he heads into meeting with all the big wigs at Mini/BMW.  He’s also blind.  He quickly sketches out a bunch of shit on the page… in blue crayon.  He finishes in the nick of time, gets up, and runs into a closed door. (yup, just zinged blind people)

Anyway, lets get to the car.  The roof sucks, plain and simple.  It looks like a fat person sat on a VW bug and shat out a poorly designed spoiler on the back end.  Follow that spoiler down the back of the vehicle and you get to the boxy awkward rear end which also appears to be creased from someone sitting on it.  The front of the vehicle isn’t quite as distasteful since it just looks like a plain old mini cooper. (for better or worse)  I would try to write a review of the interior but it would just read similarly to:

akfnasjko;c asnfcamk; kvlasmvaeiofwfmesfkaslf masfkasmfasfi’wamfva

for pages upon pages until it was just a few letters repeating after I fell dead with a brain aneurysm.

by roninpowride

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