Daily Sizzle: David Attenwho? Planet Aliens?

The Daily Sizzle is where us here at FM, rant, rave, hate, and date pretty much anything we want.

Planet Earth: The British documentary that made everyone feel better about global warming.  It showed how much great stuff hasn’t quite gone exstinct yet!  And how we still have all an array of different habitats that have not yet been cut down by loggers and turned into Wal-Marts. (Little known fact: Blue Planet was made before Planet Earth even though its United States release was after.)

In all seriousness, I love Planet Earth. I own it on dvd and would own it on blu-ray if I was a rich bastard.  So when I saw commercials on the Discovery Channel for brand new Planet Earth episodes, I was very excited but also skeptical… and rightfully so.  As it turns out, they rereleased the original episodes and replaced David Attenborough with… The woman from Alien.  As I have done before, FM has gotten its hands on a transcript from the board room where the Discovery Channel decided that this was a good idea:

DISCOVERY CHANNEL CEO:  We need more content!  It seems like we’ve oversaturated the “my job is really dangerous” market.  We need another niche.  We need to get those yuppies back on board.

DC EMPLOYEE 1: Well sir, Planet Earth gave us easily the highest ratings we’ve gotten since we did that Dirty Jobs episode where Mike went to a stripclub.

DCCEO: Then we’ll do Planet Earth again!

DCEMP1: But sir, Everyone who really loved that show already have it on DVD or Blu Ray Disc.  Why would they watch it on television with commercials.

DCCEO: God Dammit EMPLOYEE 1, you’re right! and when you’re right, you’re right.  But I didn’t got to DeVry for nothing.  We just need to tweak it… make it seem new.  HEY, What the fuck are you doing Johnson?

Johnson: Oh, I’m watching Alien.  God Segornia Weaver used to be hot.  I love the way she gets inpregnanted by aliens.

DCCEO: I just wish there was a clue that could hit me over the head as to what course of action I should take on this matter!

DCEMP1:  Could you imagine if they combined Aliens with Planet Earth.  Documentaries about Alien’s breeding with Segournia Weaver as the narrator.  Oh man that would be hilarious

DCCEO: THAT’s IT! Segournia Weaver!

DCEMP1: Oh no.

DCCEO: She young!

DCEMP1: 59.

DCEMP2: Well… She was the narrator in The Tale of Desperaeux.

DCCEO: What are you saying?

DCEMP2: Nevermind…

DCCEO: VICTORY IS OURS!

ed; Please go here and do a page find for the word narrator.  Then go to David Attenboroughs page as linked above.  90% of the credits he has that are listed as himself are him narrating.  He’s that good.

by roninpowride
2 years ago