Movie Review: Crank High Voltage aka A Huge Mistake

Everyone has that list of movies that they will always say;  “well that movie is just so bad that it’s funny.”  Hard Target, Over the Top, and Bloodsport are just a few of my favorite action flicks under that category.  There is a certain combination of events; a shitty day at work, girlfriend getting into petty arguements, speeding tickets, global warming, that just puts you in the mood for a SBIF.  In reality, I find the SBIF to be more of an excuse than anything.  I think you have to genuinly like one part about the movie.  Be it the action sequence, the mullets, the man drinking motor oil, etc.  Then the rest of the movie you just poke fun at it being outdated or stupid to get you through to your favorite parts.  A good SBIF is very much life a fine cheese or wine.  You have to let it age before it can really be appreciated.  SBIF’s that are in anyway still culturally relevent and doomed to fail…for now.  One should never forget that it is a fine fine line between SBIF (So Bad its Funny) and So Bad I Want To Blow My Fucking Skull Off And Roll Into a Ditch On The Highway. SBIWTBMFSOARIADOTH.

When I first discussed seeing the trailer for Crank High Voltage, I had a said I had a transcript of how that movie must have been thought up.  I was completely wrong.  Here is what is happening all around America after the 15 kids who saw this movie try and convince their friends to go see it too.

“Hey dude! Wanna go see a movie with tons of titties and lots of explosions and guns and shit?!”

-yeah sure, that sounds really sweet

“Yeah! And it has a a dude who electricutes his nipples like 20 times during the movie!”

-ok…that’s a bit strange but I’ll still check it out.

“Oh man, and there’s this asian prostitude who says the c word like 15 times in broken english!

-That just sounds incredibly annoying

“And you can’t forget the part when they have a gunfight in a strip club and a girl gets shot and her implants leak out! And they show it for a solid 15 seconds!”

-never talk to me again.

“so pick me up at 7?”

After seeing the movie, it was clearly written and created by a mixture of babies on cocaine, 12 year old boys who have never seen a pair of breasts, and the entire writing staff of Mad TV but to give it its due I will openly discuss it for one paragraph.

Crank High Voltage is probably the worst movie to come out this year.  Not only is it blantantly and absurdly offensive but the plot is anorexia thin.  The action sequences which should redeem the movie are awfully designed set pieces that are mixed with cocaine riddled dialogue lines that are the movie eqiuvelent of spewing garbage into a babies mouth.  I couldn’t have made a worse decision than going to that movie last night.  The closing image of the movie is Jason Statham on fire giving the audience the middle finger.  This is fitting because he did screw the entire audience how of their ticket price, and he has completely burned his career to the ground with this series of movies.

[Editorial:  Sorry for not including any of the basic information about the movie, if you need it, go to imdb…  It’s not worth including here.]

by roninpowride
2 years ago